Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Someone Should Make a Hobbit Movie 'Cause I Don't Know What That Was

Wouldn't a Hobbit movie be great? I mean more Tolkien is always good in my book. Huh? The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey came out last Christmas? It was not a Hobbit movie and was definitely not unexpected! We were all told well in advance it was coming and I cringed the entire time. Dwarves with no beards? Really? Dwarves with axes stuck in their heads? Really? Fully CG bad-guys that aren't convincing? Jar-Jar Binks is back! Cringe!

I know this movie came out a while ago but I saw the trailer again recently for the Desolation of Smaug and cringed again. Now we have CG elves jumping through tree branches and a pretty lame looking Smaug. I expected much more from the most famous dragon in fantasy literature. Pete's dragon was more menacing. Why do the special effects from the Lord of the Rings look better than in the Hobbit?

In it's original incarnation the Hobbit is a children's book and has a vastly different feel from the Lord of the Rings. This latest installment tries to do both children's book and dark adult fantasy at the same time and sucks at both. There are some very bright spots but the tone of the film is inconsistent at best.

Upsides: The main actors, Richard Armitage and Martin Freeman, are excellent even if Thorin is practically beardless. Gollum was great. The dwarves' musical theme is amazing and I have it stuck in my head to this day.

Downsides: This is going to be more of a list since there are so many things...

Ian McKellen looks twice as old as in LOTR and four times as tired. Christopher Lee too. I love them both but they looked really old for something that takes place like 60 years earlier. Their makeup sucked and the lighting made them even older. They should at least look the same.

The soundtrack was just the LOTR soundtrack with one new song. At least when Star Wars came out with prequels they had the old themes interwoven with the new stuff and it was awesome. The music just didn't feel both familiar and fresh in the Hobbit.

Crappy CG. I hate how much is in this movie. It's so bad it's embarrassing and distracted me from the action. Someone please dye Thranduil's eyebrows blond! Plus an elf would never swear fealty to a dwarf, that's just stupid. The party scene at the beginning of the movie was so long it was boring and wasn't fun or funny.

Rock 'em Sock 'em stone giants. Radagast. Radagast's rabits. Pot smoke coming out of Radagast's ears. Radagast dies and I'm not sorry. Sebastian, the hedge-hog he saves.

The tomb of the ringwraiths (dumb idea not in the book). Gandalf hitting on Galadriel (awkward!).

I at least felt that Peter Jackson had read the Lord of the Rings, I have no such feeling about the Hobbit. Each LOTR book got one movie and are twice the size of the Hobbit. The Hobbit does not need three movies. Hollywood has finally bloated a franchise so badly it's actually longer than it would take to read the book. Maybe this will encourage literacy. Better than getting bed sores trying to watch the whole Hobbit series.

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